“June Gloom” in Your Relationship

 Summer is now upon us,  hot weather is here in spades, and we are wondering what happened to all that cold weather and cool breezes of the “June Gloom” that we were complaining about. 

Speaking of June Gloom, dark skies, and reminders of the dark side of life, we want to share with you the work of one of our great colleagues in the field of relationship therapy, John Welwood.  We consider Welwood to be one of the true pioneers in the healing of  relationships – for his blend of  psychotherapy traditions and the spiritual/meditative. 

He does not shy away from saying that it as important for us to slog through the Valleys of the Shadow of Death (the realm of the ego and the personal), as it is to climb the Great Mountains of Spirit and Meditation (the realm of the transpersonal and suprapersonal).  We have a wonderful article, “Relationship as a Spiritual Crucible,”that we would like to share with you. We believe that when you read the section on “Relationship as Charnel Ground” you might be provoked into getting into a discussion with us and others.

 What you will read there might seem outrageous—the word “charnel” is related to the word “carnal,” and carries many of the same connotations: fleshy, sensual, sexual, concerned with the body as opposed to the spirit, even lustful, animal.   The “charnel” ground comes from the traditional Asian society, where people brought dead bodies to a certain place to be eaten by vultures and jackals.

 What Welwood wants us to think about is our cartoon version of relationship, which is supposed to give us such a sense of peace and security that we never have to face the gritty, dirty, realities of life, like loneliness, disappointment, despair, terror, or disintegration; and that if we are to have a “spiritual awakening” and realize our spiritual nature in and through relationship, then we had better stop forcing ourselves to be “spiritual” and get ready to acknowledge that a deep and intimate connection to our beloved is going to put us right in the middle of a mess—with hyenas, jackals, and vultures looking for their next piece of flesh to eat and come to grips with that, if we want to soar with the eagles—and angels—up above. 

Do you agree? Have a read and tell us what you think.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Janis & David

Summertime and the Living is Easy

How often have we heard that song? And how much do we associate the easy living of summer with the easy loving of romance? Of course, we have all at one time experienced the rush/excitement of summer love, when the long days were never long enough, because we did not want the loving to ever end.

But end it must-this is God’s law, or Nature’s law, which we must obey, or pay the consequences. We write at the beginning of June, when memories of summer love seem to be popping out all over, reminding us of the joyous and freeing experience of falling into and being in love. We write also to remind you that romantic love can morph into something quite unexpected and challenging for a couple-even shocking-something we have come to call the Power Struggle, which can feel very nasty, compared to the bliss of romance.

The question we hear so often goes something like this: How could it God’s plan for us, that we would have such hell to experience, after the heavenly experience of romance and romantic love? How could Mother Nature be so cruel to put us through this Inferno? When she has just provided us the oceanic experience of such happiness, joyousness, and freedom?

The answer to these questions is both very simple and very complicated. Here we are going to give you the simple answer, and if you want the more complicated one, to send you to places where you can read more. . .

In the past thirty to forty years we have learned that love is one of the most powerful vehicles on earth to transform the world and to transform individuals. But to understand and make use of this vehicle we have had to totally revamp and reconsider the meaning and purpose of intimate relationship. In our workshops you have heard us speak of the “sacred space” between the two individuals, but have you understood the meaning of that word “sacred”? We do not mean something esoteric or mysterious with that word; we mean something very simple yet profound. Sacred means that we are moving into a place where we are in   touch with our essential and true nature. It is about waking up to who and what we really are, what we have, and what we know.

To do this, however, we have to re-ignite the spark of love that was planted in our human nature, that gets ignited when we fall in love, that  sometimes seems to go out when we stumble through life, but can be re-ignited by what we call “conscious,” or “intentional” loving. This kind of loving-please note that we don’t use the word “love,” but loving, as an active spiritual force-is one of the most difficult, yet rewarding, things human beings can do. It can be done with much preparation, with care in the selection of tools, appropriate guides, and with great intentionality and purpose-just as any great journey can be undertaken

To begin taking the first steps on this journey, we highly recommend getting in touch with us, coming to one of our Workshops for Couples, and experiencing for yourselves the thrill of re-igniting the passion that lies within, and having the fine touch of masters as you begin that journey.

 

Why Does the Word “Marriage” Trigger Such Associations?

Understanding the Imago 

We have been thinking about the word marriage and noting  that it is rich in associations. Is the immediate picture in your mind -  a paradise, a perfect Garden of Eden, the safest of cradles from which you emerged and to which you long to return?  Or does a nightmare of a place come to mind, inhabited by angry, unhappy, or  absent caretakers;  where you feel both lonely and as if in  a constant war zone, where everything seemed to be dying or dead? 

The Good News About the Imago

The good news about the Imago is that, like a heat-seeking missile, it zooms in on a potential partner who carries–at least to some degree–the most admirable personality traits of the parents, as well as the largest and most expansively hopeful dreams and promises of the parental marriage. We believe, at the outset of the 21st  century, that the promise got implanted in us human beings, no doubt at the moment of conception, a kind of Ur-image of marital bliss that was engendered by our parents’ romantic love.

And the Bad News?

The bad news about the Imago is that it  remembers, records, and projects onto potential romantic partners, all of the bad, the ugly, and the dark sides of the original caretakers, right along with the nightmares that were part of their marriage. 

How does the Imago Help us Create Better Marriages and Hence Improve us as Individual Beings?

The even better news about the Imago is that it asks us to both acknowledge and accept our parents worst shortcomings, right along with their noblest of achievements, their greatest attributes, and their genuine efforts to raise us up and send us out to find our way in a just and sane world. And to integrate all of our experiences with them, whether nurturing or wounding, whether expanding or limiting, into our adult lives and marriages. 
It’s Not Just about Staying Married to Our Partners: It’s about Staying Married to Ourselves

Up until now we have been addressing this issue of our  Imagos in the context of the relationship paradigm; that is, that it “takes two to tango,” and “there is no such thing as a happy man or woman without the Other/Partner.” In these last years we have come to see that the important question is not just, “How do I stay married to my beloved partner/spouse, who at times might be repeating the worst patterns of my original caretakers and reminding me of how powerless, terrified, and lonely I might have felt as a child?” Or, I might be living through a drama that resembles the all-too-familiar scenes of my parents’ nightmare marriage; and that along with the fluctuations of life in a highly competitive society that seems to give us so little time and space for self-nurturing and self-reflection. So, the additional pressing question of our time is, “How do I stay married to myself?”

A Gift of a Lifetime

We wanted to share the following testimonial with you from a recent workshop: 

“Just a note to tell you how much the weekend meant to me and my husband. We have been struggling for so long and have come so close so many times to just giving up. Even on Saturday morning, when we were unable to get through our first dialogue on our own without conflict, we sat there discussing how we just were not going to be able to ‘make it.’

Then David came in and coached us through it, and we went from a place of despair to a place of intimacy. By the time Sunday came around, we were able to dialogue without assistance, and for the very first time, my husband told me he understood – understood what he does, what he feels, what I feel, why I need him to validate my feelings, what it means to validate feelings, and what emotionally intimacy actually means. I too learned a great deal, but to have him hear me speak about my feelings without yelling at me, was the greatest thing I have experienced in months. I have learned how to approach him, I have grown to understand his fears, and we actually have confidence in our future!

We both  think it would be tremendous to attend a ‘level two’ workshop, if you ever offer such a thing for couples who have already completed your workshop. Please let us know if you would consider that!

My sincere thanks to you both. You are truly inspirational teachers. The experience was the gift of a lifetime, and I look forward to what is to come.

Blessings to you both.”

We hope you will join us June 17-19 in Santa Cruz.

Sincerely,

Drs. McCann

Raising children can take a toll on your marriage.

According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, ” numerous studies have shown that a couples’ satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship…..a growing number of mental-health professionals are advising couples to undergo pre-baby counseling to hash out marital minefields such as divvying up baby-related responsibilities, money issues, and expectations for sex and social lives.. “ Read the full article here

Have you made your romantic relationship a priority since having children? Do you have a weekly date that is sacred except for circumstances such as illness or a true emergency?  Do you surprise your spouse with small gifts, cards, text messages and massages? If you can’t answer yes to these questions then you are not putting money in your relationship bank.

We assume that good parents meet their children’s needs first. However, children’s needs are best met by parents who meet their own needs…including romance. Children need their parents to model loving and respectful relationships.  Such parental connection enriches your partnership  and is critical to raising children who are “relationship ready”.

I Appreciate You When…

A Few Interesting Tidbits on Re-Romanticizing Your Relationship from the Founders of Imago Relationship Therapy,  Drs. Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix:

Our lives are but an accumulation of moments. The way we live tomorrow, next week, and next year will be the product of what we are doing right now. If we are critical and angry toward our partner today or too busy to share a connecting moment, we are spending the currency of our lives unwisely.Our relationships have the power to transform our lives. This transformation occurs not with the wave of a magic wand, but through the daily accumulation of small acts building to a critical mass that we end up labeling a “life” or a “relationship.”

In a conscious relationship we intentionally design actions that move us closer to our goals. Each day matters, since the whole can never be greater than the sum of its parts. Appreciation expressed clearly today, or the time spent in idle chatter, is giving weight and definition to your life.

Remember to share an appreciation to your partner today and every day.

Welcome to “Re-igniting The Passion in Your Love Life”

Hello and Welcome to our Blog. We are David and Janis McCann, licensed psychotherapists and Certified Imago Relationship Coaches.  As the Co-founders of The Canyon Psychotherapy and Counseling Group and the Center for Conscious Relationships ,  we have over sisty years of experience between us as educators, therapists, and coaches. When we attended an Imago Workshop for Couples some years ago, we were so excited at the prospects of healing our own relationship, that we resolved to help ourselves and then others with what we call the ”creative potential of relationship,”  or the 4 Cs:  contact, connection, communication, and communion. 

We are Certified Imago Relationship Therapists, and Certified Imago Couples’ Workshop Presenters for the couple’s weekend workshop. We are both members of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the Association for Imago Relationship Therapy.

Through this Blog we will explore personal growth, healing, relationships and tips and techniques which you can apply in your own lives. We welcome you to comment and share this information with friends and others. 

Janis and David McCann